45 Things I’ve Learned In 44 Years

1. Not all love is unrequited.

2. Things will happen in your life that you will never be able to explain. You can either chalk it up to the Universe being whimsical, or you can go mad chasing that rabbit down the hole.

3. Not all of the memories of your childhood are real.

4. The advice you get from your parents and grandparents is all rooted in their sincere wish to see you not make the same mistakes they made. You will ignore this advice, naturally.

5. Sadly, clothing is a punishment. Clothing worn in Grade School, doubly so.

6. Everyone looks awkward in Grade School. Even the kids you thought were perfect look at their grade school photographs and cringe in complete terror.

7. You will only see STAR WARS for the first time once. Every time afterwards, the experience pales in comparison.

8. If youre lucky, you will make a handful of friends in school that you will be able to stay in touch with later in life.  If youre really, sincerely lucky, those will be people you will want to remain in touch with.

9. Tornadoes in Texas are real. They are astonishingly frightening. You will need to remember this not only when youre a child, but when your jackass friends from out of state are enamored with seeing one up close.

10. Watching where youre walking isnt quite important as looking ahead to what youre walking towards.

11. The first time you get punched in the face is a singular experience. Its one of the few instances where time completely stops, and you can evaluate

12. Sometimes, that note you get in class saying youre cute isnt a cruel joke. Sometimes, they mean it.

13. Theres a moment when youre not a kid anymore. You will not know it when it hits, youll blow right by it, and wonder where it went. That moment is when you are able to breeze past the candy aisle in the grocery store without freezing in your tracks.

14. Forces of nature should not be explained.

15. God is not out to get you. She is, however, out to get the person behind you. You had best learn how to duck.

16. You get what you pay for, unless its tacos. Then you get more.

17. When you dance at your high school graduation party, or your prom, its one hundred percent okay to let it all hang out. Just dont complain when the eventual video of that dancing surfaces.

18. Savor your moments of triumph when they come. Take notes. Get pictures when its feasible.

19. Spontaneous road trips will be the ones you remember the most.

20. First kisses are a force of nature.

21. Pack light.

22. Never turn down an invitation to a toga party.

23. Life is too short for bad beer, lousy music, or basic cable. You get what you pay for.

24. If a total stranger offers you a blow job, dont be coy.

25. Walking on the grass releases oxygen, which makes the world a better place to live in. So, when you have an opportunity to walk on the grass, take it.

26. You can sleep when youre dead.

27. Not everyone likes karaoke. Not everyone likes hockey. Not everyone likes soccer. This is all fine. However, I simply cant abide by people who do not enjoy baseball. They are not to be trusted.

28. Dont be afraid to tell your friends what they need to know, regardless of how much it hurts. If you dont, they will never hear it.

29. You can drive from Dallas to Los Angeles in less than 24 hours.

30. The fewer details you have in your alibi, the better it will go over.

31. Learn which things you really need to keep, and how to throw things away.

32. Baby carriages, in the wrong hands, are instruments of evil.

33. You cant control what people think about you, so just be who you want to be. If they cant catch up, or dont want to, screw em.

34. Learn how to say goodbye.

35. Dont delay joy.

36. Not everyone appreciates being corrected on their grammar.

37. There are few things that enrich your soul quite like making your wife laugh deeply, and for many minutes continuously.

38. Take a look at your circle of friends, right now. The ones whom you see when you close your eyes? Those are the ones youll have forever.

39. Bacon is a force of nature.

40. You are not defined by your bar argument stances. Kirk vs Picard. Mac vs Windows. Analog vs Digital. Those yammering points dont make you who you are. Theyre bumper stickers on your arse.

41. Absinthe is not to be trifled with. Conversely: when people find out you drink absinthe, their opinion of you changes subtly.

42. Occasionally, its okay to like a bad film.

43. Friends are a force of nature. Not acquaintances. Not colleagues. Friends.

44. Just because you saw something written as a quote on top of a picture on the Web, doesnt mean its accurate. At all. At all.

45. You have two families in your life: the one youre born into, and the one that you acquire along the way. I have been extremely lucky with both.