Ability To Recall
In the middle of the Esquire profile of Roger Ebert (it really is required reading, simultaneously heartbreaking and uplifting), I was struck by a passage that talks about what Roger remembers about losing his speech and taste:
Roger Ebert can’t remember the last thing he ate. He can’t remember the last thing he drank, either, or the last thing he said. Of course, those things existed; those lasts happened. They just didn’t happen with enough warning for him to have bothered committing them to memory — it wasn’t as though he sat down, knowingly, to his last supper or last cup of coffee or to whisper a last word into Chaz’s ear. The doctors told him they were going to give him back his ability to eat, drink, and talk. But the doctors were wrong, weren’t they? On some morning or afternoon or evening, sometime in 2006, Ebert took his last bite and sip, and he spoke his last word.
Ebert’s lasts almost certainly took place in a hospital. That much he can guess. His last food was probably nothing special, except that it was: hot soup in a brown plastic bowl; maybe some oatmeal; perhaps a saltine or some canned peaches. His last drink? Water, most likely, but maybe juice, again slurped out of plastic with the tinfoil lid peeled back. The last thing he said? Ebert thinks about it for a few moments, and then his eyes go wide behind his glasses, and he looks out into space in case the answer is floating in the air somewhere. It isn’t. He looks surprised that he can’t remember.
Manda is surprised on how selective my memory is. It’s not stuff like “Why didn’t you remember to do this household chore?” or anything like that, but even more fundamental things like when I heard a certain story, or a joke that she told me weeks ago. It’s frustrating to her, and maddening to me.
I don’t know when I started having issues remembering things. It’s not an “old age” issue, nor is it any sort of ADHD. I can recall most things clearly… at least, I think I can.
Do I need to start writing everything down? I’ve got a speech-to-text iPhone program – do I need to start using that at every turn? “My keys are on the table.” “Manda’s keycard is on the mantle.” Banal.
There was a time when I thought my memory gaps were linked to my headaches, but now I’m not even sure the two have any correlation.
Now, I’m wondering if it has any similarity to what Roger’s missing from that amazing databank of his. When you think you need to remember something, you put it down into whatever filing system your Memory Warehouse uses. However, if you have a “last” something, but are making no effort to “make” it your last, is it as memorable?
Blathering, I know. I also know that misplacing my laptop bag isn’t close to being on par with what Roger’s going through. Just a catalyst.
